**CLICK HERE to PIN THIS POST now to read later!**
Learning how to be pure in a relationship was one of my biggest challenges.
For starters, I honestly didn’t believe that it could be done.
I grew up in the era of “American Pie“, “Clueless“, and “Sex and the City“. I grew up listening to R&B songs such as 112’s “Peaches and Cream“, R. Kelly’s “Bump & Grind“, and Boys to Men’s “I’ll Make Love to You“.
Back then, when I was dating my Ex’s, I thought they were “the One”. I sincerely believed that.
So, of course, we developed an intimate relationship over time because our feelings for each other were very strong and irresistible. Even for the guys who claimed to be Christians… we crossed the boundaries and didn’t think twice about it.
But I get it now. I soo get it now. And yes, it can be done. And yes, you can do it too.
I think out of all the discussions, frustrations, and doubts that women go through when it comes to being single and then dating, living a pure life is one of the major factors.
Take it from me, this is certainly a lifestyle that can only be accomplished by the dependence of God Himself. But. It. Can. Be. Done.
I went from living with my ex-boyfriends to not kissing my husband, Kyle until we were standing face to face at the altar! Talk about a transformation!
So for anyone out there who desires to stay pure in your relationship (or even if you’re just curious as to how it can be done), then this post is for you.
I wanna share with you, to the best of my ability, how it can be done, and why you should do it.
Now mind you, this is solely based on my personal experience and my opinion. If you want to get into the deets about the depths of this topics, then let’s respectfully discuss it in the comments below!
Alright… here goes!
Why You Should Stay Pure in Your Relationship
For many, the obvious reason behind staying pure is that premarital sex is a sin.
“But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.” -1 Corinthians 7:2
Among many other verses that you can find in the Bible supporting this belief, this one speaks about husband and wife, as in married, in order to abstain from sexual immorality.
But of course, there are many other reasons why you should opt to stay pure with your bae. Here are a few that really stood out to me:
1. You avoid the risk of getting an STD or having a baby out-of-wedlock.
Listen, both of these things scared me when I was living an impure life. Not a day went by where I did not think of these things when I was living in sexual sin. I considered myself to be “lucky” each month when Flo came or I got a healthy report from the doctors. Also, birth control gets tricky and condoms aren’t always there, whether by choice or not (not sayin, just sayin!)
To be perfectly honest, there were ways around avoiding these things. This is why so many women who choose to have sex before marriage are becoming mothers and/or having to go through the very real experience of contracting an STD.
2. It will save you from a soul tie.
Hear me when I say that soul ties are very real. When you choose to have sex, you are not only bringing two bodies together, you are joining two hearts, two souls, and two spirits!
Think about it: There is a reason why you feel such a connection with someone you’ve had sex with, whether you want to feel that connection or not.
This is why some breakups are so hard to get over. It’s why you may still be stuck on your ex. But by choosing to stay pure, you can avoid all that.
3. When you finally find Mr. Right, you’ll want to give him all of you.
Yup, just like the John Legend song, when you find your husband, you’re gonna wanna give him your world. Why? Because he is giving you his. And not only that, but he actually deserves it.
And it broke my heart when the only gift that meant the very most to me was something I could not give to my husband. All because I decided to give it to some other guy who no longer matters.
When you choose to stay pure, you preserve that very special gift that God has given you that you can give to the one guy who will matter the most. That gift is you. All of you.
4. You are trusting God for His very best.
When I spoke to friends and family about why I was choosing to stay pure with my future husband, they thought I was crazy.
I heard a lot of “aren’t you going to test-drive the car before you buy?” and “what if he’s not good in bed?”
Here’s the end-all clap-back answer to that…
If I can trust God with my life, and my afterlife, then I can trust Him with my marriage bed.
It’s all about trust!! Trust that the Almighty God will certainly take care of you in every area of your love-life if you fully trust in Him and decide to do things His way!! You gotta trust Him with your love-life the very same way that you trust Him with your job, finances, and future.
**CLICK HERE to PIN THIS POST now to read later!**
How to Stay Pure In Your Relationship
Once I understood why it was important for me to stay pure in my love-life, it was time for me to apply that to my relationships.
Not gonna lie, I was very afraid and intimidated at first. Especially coming from a background where being pure wasn’t the norm.
But, with a lot of prayer, counsel, and studying, I was able to do a few things that helped my husband and I stay pure until marriage.
I even wrote about these prayers on being pure both as a single woman and in my relationships in my book, “The Single Woman’s Prayer Book“! You can check them out here.
Sidenote: Kyle and I dated for a total of one year, along with a one year engagement season before getting married.
1. Avoid tv shows, movies, or music that will expose you to sexual impurities.
Remember all those movies, tv shows, and songs I mentioned earlier? Yeah, I wouldn’t be listening/watching those if I’m trying to stay pure. These will all have an impact on your thoughts and attitude, causing you to entertain thoughts and actions that you’re trying to steer away from!
The Bible tells us to “flee from it” (1 Corinthians 6:18) so shut it off, and don’t even think twice about it.
There are plenty of other songs, tv shows, and movies out there that you and your boyfriend can watch without having to put yourselves through this scenario. If you’re really serious about staying pure, then protect your mind and guard your heart.
2. Talk about it with your boyfriend and agree to it.
Staying pure will only work if you both are in on it together. So if you’re choosing to remain pure and your boyfriend continues to push buttons and cross boundaries, then you’re not evenly yoked. From that, one of two things will happen: 1) you’re gonna break up or, 2) you’re gonna fall into temptation.
When you are both serious about staying pure then there’s a mutual fight towards reaching this goal.
3. Set boundaries when it comes to time and physical affection.
One of my biggest fears about staying pure in a relationship was the kissing part. I knew myself. I knew my sexual desires. If I were to kiss a guy, there’s no guarantee that it would be enough. I may want more.
After praying about it and getting the nerve to finally bring this up to Kyle, he wanted to bring something up first. He wanted to tell me that he decided long before I came that the next kiss he would have with a girl would be shared with his wife.
When I tell you that God answers prayers, I mean it in ways you can’t even imagine!!! Little did I know, Kyle’s agreement with God addressed the one fear I had when it came to staying pure in a relationship!
It’s important to set boundaries when you’re dating if you want to avoid sexual temptations.
One of those boundaries should be around time. Anything can happen after dark. Either choose to see each other during daylight hours, agree to never be alone in the dark (unless you’re in public), or decide to do both.
Another important boundary you should set is regarding physical affection. Because cuddling while watching a movie can easily turn into “Netflix and chill”!
If kissing pulls on your sexual desires too much, then choose to abstain until your self-control is strong enough to handle it. And even if you may never reach that point, it’s totally ok (and doable) to wait to kiss until you’re at the altar!
4. Use code words to help each other avoid temptations.
Sometimes you are honestly doing nothing at all and your boyfriend will get turned on. Other times, it’s not about what they do it’s about how they smell. It happens.
Rather than to sit through that temptation, lusting over your boyfriend, battling in your head and heart, come up with a word that you both can use to help address the situation.
For example, say you are getting ready for a date. You come to the door and greet your boyfriend. He checks you out and mentions the code word (e.g. Yahtzee, bingo, wowzers, whatever!) This instantly lets you know that he is getting turned on and you are causing a sexual temptation for him. Because of this, you now know that you have to change whatever it is that he’s attracted to so that you both can remain pure in heart and mind. The same goes for you and whatever he does to turn you on.
By having this code word, you create an easy way to flee from temptation and choose to stay pure.
5. Allow Jesus into your relationship.
The more you allow Jesus to become a part of your relationship, the less likely you’ll give into temptation.
How exactly does one do this? Pray for your boyfriend. Attend church and serve on ministries together. You can attend small groups each week (either together or separate all-girl/all-guys groups).
Also, agree to have spiritual mentors who will hold you accountable in your relationship.
By appointing a couple to do this, they can ask you randomly about your boundaries, your thoughts, and whether or not you’ve considered (or acted out) any sexual temptations, all from a loving, safe-space. They will guide you back to your goal of staying pure and will redirect you back to God’s grace.
The more ways you can invite Jesus into your relationship the harder it will become to step out of His will over your future with your boyfriend. Remember, light and darkness can’t live under the same roof! So by letting God’s light in, you are instantly blocking out the darkness that would draw you towards impurity!
One last thing I thought I should mention. Staying pure does not end at the marriage altar. Staying pure is a lifelong choice! It is a daily choice that you decide to make from the time that you are single to the time you meet God face to face. There are married people who still struggle with this. By choosing to stay pure NOW it will help you create a lifelong foundation that can strengthen your faith, your testimony, and your future love-life, family, and so much more!
So trust God and His plans for your life. Do things His way and go to Him when things get difficult. Train your spiritual muscle to be strong in this area and you’ll be blessed for life because of it!
Thank God I have found this blog. I have been looking for a Christian perspective on dating.
You’ve come to the right place, Jackie!! Glad you’re enjoying the blog!
This is an interesting perspective. I command you on sticking to your beliefs. I don’t have he same beliefs as you but I can definitely respect your opinions and those beliefs. Good for you to live the life you want to live and giving advice to others.
Thanks for your thoughts Kasia!
I would really love to follow your example, but I’ve already (voluntarily) seen some really bad stuff. Like rated X bad. But over the past year I’ve been trying to come back to Christ. I’ve already had my first kiss. I’m 13.
With God, your past can be erased and you can start fresh! Keep going and living by this example! Restoration is totally possible!
This is BEAUTIFUL! But i want to understand this deeper than ever, i am currently eighteen and i love how you approach this. Because in all honesty staying pure at my age comes with disadvantages especially in Highschool. But, besides my age, have these boundaries worked for you? Your path and journey is different and i know some things that work me doesn’t work for others. I know of course the boundaries are important, but what can i do at my age in my relationship that can help God shine more where we are at right now?
Hey Destiny! AMEN that you wanna pursue a pure life during your final days of high school! While there was still a healthy mix of those who stayed pure and those who didn’t when I went to high school, I’m sure the times have changed. Here’s what I suggest…
Find the girls who still value this. It’s way easier to feel less pressured when you’re a part of a group who stands together. Even if you find one other girl, it would help you stick to your guns.
If you’re dating someone, then follow the tips from the blog. Most importantly (based on my high school experience), don’t be alone with your guy. It’s an automatic temptation to do something that’ll be impure.
Lastly, find a youth group/young adult group that you can go to where Christ and his message will be delivered to you on a regular basis (in addition to a Sunday service!). The more you’re involved the better!!
Thank you so much! These are all so helpful and it’s exactly what I’m going through! I will for sure be reading more of your blogs.
That’s so awesome to hear, Katie! Amen!
I am 19yr old and am in college. I broke up with my boyfriend but he wants to come back on my terms about not visiting him, seeing him in public,avoiding every physical contact with him like cuddling, kissing etc. I really like him. I don’t know if I should let go also he’s still a student like me
Hey Nicki! Thanks for sharing! If you really like him and he wants to maintain the boundaries within dating, then I don’t see why you can’t take it day by day to see where it goes! Of course prayer will help you get the peace & discernment you need, but if you feel a good peace about it, why not?
Hi, thank you so much for your blog, it is very helpful. I took one yeae break from any relationship to be closer to GOD and that was the best year i had so far. Now i met a guy that i like but i cannot help than to think we are not on the same page concerning purity. We discussed abt it and he told me he respect my choices but what i really want is somebody who is really supportive and will even be the one stopping me if ever i become weak. I am not sure he will i think he is saying things just to please me.
Btw we are not in the same country but he comes to visit me very often.
Can you give me some extra advices. thank you
Hey! Glad to hear it’s helpful! I think my online courses will help you greatly in how to best navigate this situation- check them out!
Thank you so much
You are very welcome!
wow this was very helpful, i have been searching for something like this to help me in my relationship, thanks
You’re very welcome!!
Hi Selina! I’m 18 and in college and recently I have been feeling that God has put on my heart to wait until marriage. I’m hopeful that I will be able to find a man who feels the same. I found this article really inspiring and I really hope I will be able to find someone who is willing to bring Jesus into our relationship
Lindsay! Hey! That’s so awesome to hear! And YES, God can do anything! I’ve seen it happen time and time again. Just keep trusting Him, He won’t let you down!
Thanks Ma. I love your blog. So inspired by this post
I have deeply kissed my boyfriend and it was on our official first date. It lasted more than 15 minutes and it was really really intimate. Every since then I’ve been thinking about our kiss and obsessing over it. And he’s always talking about how he loves me and want to just be with me though he says he’ll never push me to do what I don’t want to. But I’m scared that I am lusting over him and may want to do what I shouldn’t do. 😞 Please help a confused and distracted teenager
Hey girl! If you fear that you are listing over him, I’d recommend taking a few days to pray and seek exactly what your heart is feeling!
My book, “The Christian Woman’s Guide to Dating” is a great way to help you sort out your feelings, set boundaries, and how to honor God through your dating stage!
Get it here: https://shop.selinaa.sg-host.com/collections/paperbacks/products/the-christian-womans-guide-to-dating-autographed-copy
Thank you for your blog. I am 29 and a dating a Christian brother who I love and loves me so much. We intended from the beginning never to cross any boundaries that would lead to sex but over time we found ourselves doing what we don’t want to do. So recently, we decided it’s time we stopped all those things we used to do and these were the things we decided on
1. To reduce the number of times we see each other both day and night
2. To take time off to pray and fast as we are believing God for a fruitful ministry in the nearest time.
3. To ensure we keep communicating and re affirming our love for each other despite distance
4. To make sure every friend and family members around us believe all is well rather that act weird or complain
5. To visit each other in public places and return home same day as we both live in separate cities … we used to meet once in two weeks but we may have to meet once in 5 or 6 weeks except we have an event that warrants seeing one another
So, I stayed all these to let the other ladies here understand that you cannot win the battle of purity in your relationship if the other partner is not in the same boat as you. My boyfriend would say “it takes two to tango”
I have never had a manlike that in my life because I used to believe there is no way a man wouldn’t want sex. But after changing my mindset and believing God for a man that wants to please him above all else . God brought this angel of a man and I have never known a better man . God answers prayers and all we have to do is ask. And even if you fall 7 times, rise again and seek Gods face. We are hoping to be married in a few months time 🤸🏽♂️
Amen, Roy!!! I am so thankful that God has blessed you with your man and this testimony! Yes! With faith, ALL things are possible! May you both be blessed for many years to come!
I really like what you’ve said in this. I’m 13 and I’m definitely not going to be dating anyone until at least college, but I’ve been thinking about when I do, to not save the kiss until marrige. Like wouldn’t it be super awkward at the altar and just easier do kiss ourselves beforehand? This kinda makes the answer super obvious, but why does anyone have to know anyways?
Also, I want to date and marry a christian man, so these standards would make it different. Again, the answer is kind of obvious, but I don’t know. I don’t want to have to figure it out for the first time in front of my parents.
I waited until I was at the altar before I kissed my husband for the fist time! It really makes that part of the relationship exciting and fresh and new and a total prize at the end of a really long tunnel!! But I do understand that it’s not for everyone- so to each it’s own AS LONG AS you are in alignment with what God wants as His best for you!!