Learning how to be pure in a relationship was one of my biggest challenges.
For starters, I honestly didn’t believe that it could be done.
I grew up in the era of “American Pie“, “Clueless“, and “Sex and the City“. I grew up listening to R&B songs such as 112’s “Peaches and Cream“, R. Kelly’s “Bump & Grind“, and Boys to Men’s “I’ll Make Love to You“.
Back then, when I was dating my Ex’s, I thought they were “the One”. I sincerely believed that.
So, of course, we developed an intimate relationship over time because our feelings for each other were very strong and irresistible. Even for the guys who claimed to be Christians… we crossed the boundaries and didn’t think twice about it.
But I get it now. I soo get it now. And yes, it can be done. And yes, you can do it too.
I think out of all the discussions, frustrations, and doubts that women go through when it comes to being single and then dating, living a pure life is one of the major factors.
Take it from me, this is certainly a lifestyle that can only be accomplished by the dependence of God Himself. But. It. Can. Be. Done.
I went from living with my ex-boyfriends to not kissing my husband, Kyle until we were standing face to face at the altar! Talk about a transformation!
So for anyone out there who desires to stay pure in your relationship (or even if you’re just curious as to how it can be done), then this post is for you.
I wanna share with you, to the best of my ability, how it can be done, and why you should do it.
Now mind you, this is solely based on my personal experience and my opinion. If you want to get into the deets about the depths of this topics, then let’s respectfully discuss it in the comments below!
Alright… here goes!
Why You Should Stay Pure in Your Relationship
For many, the obvious reason behind staying pure is that premarital sex is a sin.
“But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.” -1 Corinthians 7:2
Among many other verses that you can find in the Bible supporting this belief, this one speaks about husband and wife, as in married, in order to abstain from sexual immorality.
But of course, there are many other reasons why you should opt to stay pure with your bae. Here are a few that really stood out to me:
1. You avoid the risk of getting an STD or having a baby out-of-wedlock.
Listen, both of these things scared me when I was living an impure life. Not a day went by where I did not think of these things when I was living in sexual sin. I considered myself to be “lucky” each month when Flo came or I got a healthy report from the doctors. Also, birth control gets tricky and condoms aren’t always there, whether by choice or not (not sayin, just sayin!)
To be perfectly honest, there were ways around avoiding these things. This is why so many women who choose to have sex before marriage are becoming mothers and/or having to go through the very real experience of contracting an STD.
2. It will save you from a soul tie.
Hear me when I say that soul ties are very real. When you choose to have sex, you are not only bringing two bodies together, you are joining two hearts, two souls, and two spirits!
Think about it: There is a reason why you feel such a connection with someone you’ve had sex with, whether you want to feel that connection or not.
This is why some breakups are so hard to get over. It’s why you may still be stuck on your ex. But by choosing to stay pure, you can avoid all that.
3. When you finally find Mr. Right, you’ll want to give him all of you.
Yup, just like the John Legend song, when you find your husband, you’re gonna wanna give him your world. Why? Because he is giving you his. And not only that, but he actually deserves it.
And it broke my heart when the only gift that meant the very most to me was something I could not give to my husband. All because I decided to give it to some other guy who no longer matters.
When you choose to stay pure, you preserve that very special gift that God has given you that you can give to the one guy who will matter the most. That gift is you. All of you.
4. You are trusting God for His very best.
When I spoke to friends and family about why I was choosing to stay pure with my future husband, they thought I was crazy.
I heard a lot of “aren’t you going to test-drive the car before you buy?” and “what if he’s not good in bed?”
Here’s the end-all clap-back answer to that…
If I can trust God with my life, and my afterlife, then I can trust Him with my marriage bed.
It’s all about trust!! Trust that the Almighty God will certainly take care of you in every area of your love-life if you fully trust in Him and decide to do things His way!! You gotta trust Him with your love-life the very same way that you trust Him with your job, finances, and future.
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How to Stay Pure In Your Relationship
Once I understood why it was important for me to stay pure in my love-life, it was time for me to apply that to my relationships.
Not gonna lie, I was very afraid and intimidated at first. Especially coming from a background where being pure wasn’t the norm.
But, with a lot of prayer, counsel, and studying, I was able to do a few things that helped my husband and I stay pure until marriage.
I even wrote about these prayers on being pure both as a single woman and in my relationships in my book, “The Single Woman’s Prayer Book“! You can check them out here.
Sidenote: Kyle and I dated for a total of one year, along with a one year engagement season before getting married.
1. Avoid tv shows, movies, or music that will expose you to sexual impurities.
Remember all those movies, tv shows, and songs I mentioned earlier? Yeah, I wouldn’t be listening/watching those if I’m trying to stay pure. These will all have an impact on your thoughts and attitude, causing you to entertain thoughts and actions that you’re trying to steer away from!
The Bible tells us to “flee from it” (1 Corinthians 6:18) so shut it off, and don’t even think twice about it.
There are plenty of other songs, tv shows, and movies out there that you and your boyfriend can watch without having to put yourselves through this scenario. If you’re really serious about staying pure, then protect your mind and guard your heart.
2. Talk about it with your boyfriend and agree to it.
Staying pure will only work if you both are in on it together. So if you’re choosing to remain pure and your boyfriend continues to push buttons and cross boundaries, then you’re not evenly yoked. From that, one of two things will happen: 1) you’re gonna break up or, 2) you’re gonna fall into temptation.
When you are both serious about staying pure then there’s a mutual fight towards reaching this goal.
3. Set boundaries when it comes to time and physical affection.
One of my biggest fears about staying pure in a relationship was the kissing part. I knew myself. I knew my sexual desires. If I were to kiss a guy, there’s no guarantee that it would be enough. I may want more.
After praying about it and getting the nerve to finally bring this up to Kyle, he wanted to bring something up first. He wanted to tell me that he decided long before I came that the next kiss he would have with a girl would be shared with his wife.
When I tell you that God answers prayers, I mean it in ways you can’t even imagine!!! Little did I know, Kyle’s agreement with God addressed the one fear I had when it came to staying pure in a relationship!
It’s important to set boundaries when you’re dating if you want to avoid sexual temptations.
One of those boundaries should be around time. Anything can happen after dark. Either choose to see each other during daylight hours, agree to never be alone in the dark (unless you’re in public), or decide to do both.
Another important boundary you should set is regarding physical affection. Because cuddling while watching a movie can easily turn into “Netflix and chill”!
If kissing pulls on your sexual desires too much, then choose to abstain until your self-control is strong enough to handle it. And even if you may never reach that point, it’s totally ok (and doable) to wait to kiss until you’re at the altar!
4. Use code words to help each other avoid temptations.
Sometimes you are honestly doing nothing at all and your boyfriend will get turned on. Other times, it’s not about what they do it’s about how they smell. It happens.
Rather than to sit through that temptation, lusting over your boyfriend, battling in your head and heart, come up with a word that you both can use to help address the situation.
For example, say you are getting ready for a date. You come to the door and greet your boyfriend. He checks you out and mentions the code word (e.g. Yahtzee, bingo, wowzers, whatever!) This instantly lets you know that he is getting turned on and you are causing a sexual temptation for him. Because of this, you now know that you have to change whatever it is that he’s attracted to so that you both can remain pure in heart and mind. The same goes for you and whatever he does to turn you on.
By having this code word, you create an easy way to flee from temptation and choose to stay pure.
5. Allow Jesus into your relationship.
The more you allow Jesus to become a part of your relationship, the less likely you’ll give into temptation.
How exactly does one do this? Pray for your boyfriend. Attend church and serve on ministries together. You can attend small groups each week (either together or separate all-girl/all-guys groups).
Also, agree to have spiritual mentors who will hold you accountable in your relationship.
By appointing a couple to do this, they can ask you randomly about your boundaries, your thoughts, and whether or not you’ve considered (or acted out) any sexual temptations, all from a loving, safe-space. They will guide you back to your goal of staying pure and will redirect you back to God’s grace.
The more ways you can invite Jesus into your relationship the harder it will become to step out of His will over your future with your boyfriend. Remember, light and darkness can’t live under the same roof! So by letting God’s light in, you are instantly blocking out the darkness that would draw you towards impurity!
One last thing I thought I should mention. Staying pure does not end at the marriage altar. Staying pure is a lifelong choice! It is a daily choice that you decide to make from the time that you are single to the time you meet God face to face. There are married people who still struggle with this. By choosing to stay pure NOW it will help you create a lifelong foundation that can strengthen your faith, your testimony, and your future love-life, family, and so much more!
So trust God and His plans for your life. Do things His way and go to Him when things get difficult. Train your spiritual muscle to be strong in this area and you’ll be blessed for life because of it!