More people are dealing with past trauma than we can ever imagine.
From crazy childhoods to terrible breakups, chances of someone being affected by the pains of the past are high. Not to mention, the mental health battles among men and women when it comes to anxiety, depression, bipolar, etc. Let’s face it, there is bound to be someone you love that is dealing with some sort of mental health issue.
So what exactly happens when you actually want to develop a relationship with someone who is carrying such past trauma?
Is it even possible to get close to someone who has been through way more than you could ever imagine?
Better yet, what if that person is you? What if you fear that you’ll never be able to find a man who would be willing to love you as you are, scars and all?
I didn’t necessarily deem myself to have past trauma when I started dating my husband eight years ago. I can definitely see and acknowledge that trauma was totally there.
Messed-up childhood filled with divorce, poverty, abuse, and instability. Mix that with the traumatic love life I encountered before ever meeting him. The heart-shattering breakups that lead to a downward spiral of depression, rage, insecurity, and unhealthy habits.
Thank God for therapy. And also, thank God for God. For actually giving me a restoration that no one else on Earth could ever give me. Not my therapist, my husband, nor anyone else. However, had it not been for counseling, I would have never linked the pieces of my broken past to what it really was. Trauma that we have both been dealing with throughout our entire relationship.
After looking back at it all, it’s crazy for my husband to even choose to love someone like me. I’m honestly surprised that he didn’t run in the other direction like every other man I dated.
Yet he didn’t. And our marriage is absolutely beautiful. We both are now raising two boys in a life that was only a dream to me when I was their age.
So how did this all happen? How did someone like me, filled to the brim with past trauma, manage to not only find a man who became my husband, but develop a flourishing relationship that has stood the test of time AND trauma?
Does your current relationship have what it takes to last?
In this video, I share a few relationship tips that’ll help you have a relationship with someone who’s has past trauma. Click below to enjoy this video!
Understand that you were dealing with somebody who might not fully feel whole. There is still a pain. Still a stress. There is still a survival kind of mechanism that they have to now deal with because of what happened to them that they are going through and that they are adapted to moving forward to carry all the rest of their life.
Readjust the dating time frame.
Don’t start moving things super fast and don’t assume that things have to be fast simply because that’s where this person or you want to go. Things might take a little bit slower to develop so that you guys can be able to get to know each other. So that trust can build, so that layers can kind of unfold.
Know when to get professional help.
You have to know the difference between talking to your partner about these things and knowing when it’s time to actually talk to a professional about these things.
Understand like, when they’re talking to you? Yes, that’s good. That’s that’s a good thing to get to know them and to get to know the situation and to understand how you guys can proceed to move forward.
But if it becomes like a very heavy weight for you to carry or a very heavy burden for you to give to someone else, you need to make a mature choice to go and seek Counseling Services, Professional Service, Therapeutic services, to help you unfold this, and to help you process it so that you actually can move forward with the developing of a relationship.
Counseling? I am all for counseling because they can uncover things that your boyfriend cannot uncover or that you cannot uncover in your boyfriend.
You need to ask them, “How can I help?” If something triggers you in the relationship, How can your boyfriend help in that situation?
It can’t just be one person trying to take care of themself, and The other person’s just there seeing it. If you guys are really serious and you guys are really trying to become together, and try to grow in to one connection, Eventually you guys are going to have to get involved together on this.
You guys are going to have to become teammates on how to proceed and move properly and if you’re not going to let them in to do that job or to be your teammate then………It’s probably not gonna work out! aaaand you should just end it.
If you’re choosing to still be in this relationship, but you just aren’t sure whether or not it’s worth it? Is this the right guy? Like, should I even put all the effort into it? Then, I have a really good resource that can help you just kind of check all the points off and be like, “Okay, this dude is worth it, he’s legit, and I’m going to proceed” and that is called the “#RelationshipGoals”.
Okay, there are 30 ways to tell if you’re dating the right person at the right time in the right season, and I want you to download this right now.
Then you can just look at this handout and say, “Okay. All his ducks are in a row. So Boom boom boom boom boom let’s proceed. Let’s move on. I want to be invested in this.”
But if you kind of see some red flags, and he has this problem? Probably not the best idea for me to keep going on with this relationship, you know what I’m saying?
Be honest with yourself.
You have to not only be true to them but you have to be true to yourself as well. Do you want to be in this position? And can you see yourself being In this position long-term?
Are you going to want to know how to process things moving forward so that you can make this into something so that you can grow this relationship.
Can you love past the pain and Trauma? And if you can, then best wishes to you, best of luck to you, and I pray that the healing and the growth will work not just in that person who is experiencing this personally, but their partner as well!
I enjoy your messages and your inspiration blog.
thanks so much, RaeMalea!