Over the years I’ve talked a lot about the breakups I’ve been through, but I never quite mention the one guy who was actually a good man.
I think the reason is that we went through enough so why bother to bring him up? But after a lot of thinking and just having this story tugging on my heart, I think it’s time I share it.
I wanna share with you the time when I was totally the reason why things didn’t work out. Why I chose to pass up a good man simply because deep down he wasn’t good enough for me.
And looking back at it, living the life I’m living now, I know that I made the right decision. But I’d like to explain why I did what I did.
My story takes place after one of the biggest breakups I’ve ever experienced. I don’t really know how we came into contact with each other (we knew each other for a while now) but because of my breakup, I was still very raw and bitter. So I didn’t hold back on my attitude, my bitterness, and my anger towards life and love.
Since we lived in separate states, we mainly communicated through Facebook and text.
Because he was known to be a player in the past I didn’t take him seriously at all. Yet, he persisted.
Our regular texting turned into regular late-night phone calls. Simple conversations just getting to know each other better. Again, I kept a 50-foot wall around every side of me because I was still hurting and not sure how to process moving on without my Ex. To me, my friend was just a friend who was trying really, really hard to become more than that.
And night after night, he met me exactly where I was. He acknowledged his past and recognized that his reputation was a bit shaky. But that didn’t matter to him. Every night he called. And every night we grew closer.
This went on for an entire year. A year! We each traveled around the world throughout this year and yet he still managed to keep in close contact with me!
I know what you’re thinking… this guy was totally into me. How could I not see that?
I admit that I did start to feel some type of way about it, and my close friends and family were starting to realize that this was a bit more serious than I was making it out to be. But even so, I couldn’t give him my whole heart.
Though we never were able to get together in person, he continued to pursue me. I thought that this “player” was pretty persistent!
His past mixed with my ugly present at the time kept me from fully trusting and believing that he was a good man and he had genuine feelings for me.
Every time he would get close enough for me to feel like it was time to let my guard down and commit to loving him, I would get scared, self-sabotage the situation, and run away. (not literally, but you get what I mean.) He never gave up. He continued to show interest in me and make it very clear that he has grown to like me a lot.
There’s a very super, critical part of this story that I gotta share with you. And that is, that during this year of getting over a breakup, getting to know this good man, and trying to figure out where the heck I stood in all of this, I found Jesus.
And because I decided to trust God with my love life, I started to have a change of heart.
While I was still talking to this guy, the Lord was working on me and bringing me to a place of healing.
To be clear, I was a baby Christian, so my worldly struggles were still very real, but my desire to push past them was very strong. I knew that I could trust God because of how He was making me feel on the inside, I just didn’t know how exactly to change my lifestyle completely just yet.
I explained this to my friend and he was very accepting of it. This made me begin to question my feelings for him, finally, after all this time.
Finally, it got to the point where I was willing to give him a fair shot. After a year of practically dating long distance, and knowing that his feelings for me were real, I had to figure out if mine were real as well.
So I journeyed off and traveled north to visit him. Turns out, he planned out the entire weekend for us to be together. And because we were finally going to hang out after all this time, he was so excited that he called me every hour on the hour until I arrived at his place.
I want you to know that we’ve hung out before. Remember, we were in the same circles. But back then, before I knew him, I always knew of him to be an arrogant player. So I never really paid him any attention.
But this time was different. Now he knows me. He knows what I’ve been through. And he still liked me. So this visit was a completely different experience.
My intent for this trip was to find out if “this” (whatever it was) was worth anything. If our year together was going to progress into something serious.
The first night was great. We were both excited to see each other and we kept it at a very friendship level. The day after was fun. It was an 8-hour dating excursion filled with outings, food, and lots of conversation (since that’s what we were best at).
That night I got drunk and passed out. …Yeah…
And I’m gonna be honest with you, the entire weekend was filled with me in my old ways and living out my old dating mindset.
Though God was very much at the forefront of my mind and thoughts, I didn’t know how to balance the two relationships so that I would be honoring God and discovering if I actually liked this guy.
I remembered praying and trying to meditate on God’s Word (though I had absolutely no idea if I was doing it right!) to get a sign, a Word, or something that would tell me that this guy was not the one. I heard nothing. So I pursued the life that I knew best… the one that did not involve God.
But then, the most bizarre thing happened.
One the second day of hanging out, as we were about to see how deep our feelings really were for each other, my attraction to him officially stopped.
It was almost like a light switch had gone off in my mind and I knew right then and there, with my whole heart, that he was not the guy for me.
The rest of our trip together was pretty awkward. I had done a complete 180 on this guy without any explanation, and I honestly couldn’t explain it myself. We left with very little words.
For the first time in my life, I finally understood the phrase, “It’s not you, it’s me”.
This man was a good man. He fought through every single wall that I had up and he loved me through my pain and weaknesses. He gave me everything that a woman would want from a man. And yet, at the end of the day, it was not enough.
You see, what ended up happening over that weekend was divine intervention. God met me in that apartment and He gave me a very clear indication that the man I was seeing wasn’t the man for me. Nor was the life that I was choosing to live in that short weekend with him.
Afterward, we didn’t talk to one another for about three weeks. The longest in over a year.
I tried to process what had happened and I tried to explain it to him but he wouldn’t have it. The damage was done. We both knew that what we had would never work out.
We drifted further apart and I drew closer to God. After having a couple of years pass us by, he tried to reconnect only to discover that I was already engaged with my Mr. Right. The guy whom I knew without a shadow of doubt was the right man for me. Needless to say, we do not talk to each other anymore.
To this day I feel that had it not been for my prayers to God, I probably would’ve made the wrong choice. I probably would have gone through another relationship, without God, and things would’ve gone horribly wrong.
If you’re in a relationship and you’re on the fence as to whether this man you’re seeing is the right man, regardless of if he’s a good man, then here’s what you should do:
1. Include God in your decision-making.
Even if you aren’t that close to God, He will still meet you where you’re at. If you stumble and fall along the way, He will still come to your rescue if you call out for His help.
2. Don’t ignore the tugging of your heart.
It didn’t matter that this guy was a good man and his feelings for me were real. I never once felt a 100% peace about pursuing the relationship. It could’ve been because deep down I knew that I had to get over my previous relationship, or perhaps I needed to focus on me (all of which was true, btw), but even still, if you do not feel totally at peace about the situation, then there’s a good reason.
3. Don’t be afraid to be the bad guy.
Letting go of what we had together was just as hard as the terrible breakup I had previously gone through. It hurt the most because he was actually a really good man. While some Ex’s I could care less about, I genuinely hope that this guy finds happiness in his Mrs. Right someday. And I think that because of this, I couldn’t find the heart to end it when I should have. Instead, I let it carry on just to see if my feelings would change over time. It didn’t end well and people got hurt.
4. Do not put his needs and wants before your own.
At the end of the day, you have to do what is best for you. Not your mom, your friends, or the good man. If you’re not ultimately happy, and the Lord is telling you in your heart that this isn’t it, then trust that and do what’s best for you. Settling for less is nowhere near as pleasing as trusting in God’s perfect plan!
Perhaps you’re out there and you’re floating in the same boat. There’s a great guy and he’s really into you but something’s just… off. And though you can’t really put your finger on what it is, and your friends and family are all telling you that you’re crazy, you still can’t accept that he is your ultimate Mr. Right. He’s Mr. Good Enough… but not Mr. Right
Look to God and trust in His answer. When you don’t get your answer right away, don’t panic! Stay faithful and trust that He will come!
This experience changed my entire dating experience. Ever since that moment, I included God in every single love-life decision I ever made henceforth.
If a good man isn’t good enough, trust that the Lord will let you know! And be ok with knowing that if that good man isn’t good enough, then God has someone even better in store!