Is it normal to hurt from a relationship that you never had??
Whatever the case may be, things never really took off the way that you had hoped they would, and now you’re feeling crushed.
Is it foolish to even feel this way?
I mean, after all, you never even made it past the “talking” stage…
In this video, I cover why you’re hurting from this “almost relationship” that you never had, and what you should do to get over it.
Earlier this season I received an email asking me if it was ok to still hurt significantly from an “almost” relationship?
As in…never dated, the “exclusive” status was never reached… The one guy you never had.
And yet, they are still feeling the hurt and pain from the past. It’s almost as if you’re getting over a breakup.
My answer to this question is YES….yes it is ok to still hurt significantly from any past anything.
You invested a piece of your heart, which means that your emotions with this person are now tied together.
Even though the time you spent with this person never evolved into anything, and memories were created, it was still something.
Because of that, pain and hurt will arise now that you have parted ways.
Your heart doesn’t distinguish what’s an “exclusive” relationship and what’s not. All they can determine is what you once felt and what you now feel as a result of what happened.
So, even though you never had the so-called “relationship”, your heart started loading and your emotions became locked in…so it’ll take some time before you feel better and can move on.
It could’ve been a crush, a one-night stand, a rebound, or a friend that you decided to take into deeper waters and it didn’t go as planned. Whatever the situation was, you have to treat this now like a normal breakup.
In other words, you have to give yourself some time. Give yourself some space from this individual. Really grasp what you’re feeling. Try to understand why is it that you hurt so much.
Something that can and will help you as you process through these emotions is seeking the certainty of God! What better way than to pray to invite Him into your love-life? He’ll show you what love really looks like!
If you’re still significantly hurting from this person, then you have to sit down and focus on what’s really hurting you the most.
What hurts more? The person you never had, the situation you never got to experience, or the way things were handled?
Whatever it is that causes you to feel hurt, you have to pull yourself into that in order to understand where the root of your hurt is coming from.
Once you’re able to distinguish what that is, then with time, wisdom, and with hindsight being 20/20, you’ll be able to start your healing process. From there, you’ll be able to move on eventually from this situation.
That may mean a number of things. You could potentially remove this individual from your life altogether or you could take it slow, day-by-day, until you’re strong enough to approach this person again. Or better, you’re strong enough to move on to, what could be, the best thing you’ll ever have.
Have you ever struggled with getting over someone you never had? Share in the comments below!
Having never had a dating relationship or even anyone interested (not for lack of desire), I can also say that I’ve never had a “typical” breakup. That being said, I have experienced two almost-relationships. The first was with a friend I had in high school/college. We started as friends, and I may have misread some of his actions as flirty instead of friendly. My feelings grew into more, but his didn’t. In fact, he told me in no uncertain terms that he’d never be interested in me that way. I didn’t listen, and I was heartbroken 7 years later when he said he was getting married.
The second was with a guy that I found attractive from the get-go. He seemed to have everything I’d asked for, even as a joke (it’s not necessary, but it would be nice if he _______). He flirted and acted interested until he was hired on at the Christian school I was working at. He continued flirting but said he didn’t date coworkers. I will admit that I flirted back, and it was fun. I got too invested too quickly, even ignoring red flags that I had asked God to show me. My words and actions led to my humiliation, so much so that I refer to 2015 as my year of stupidity.
I haven’t seen or talked to either guy since the incidents in question, and there were 12-14 years between them. I acknowledge that I made mistakes in how I handled both situations. What hurts me the most is that neither of them was ever interested and didn’t even consider it a possibility. Didn’t consider ME a possibility. Nobody has ever considered me a possibility, in between instances or in the years since. Part of me wants to know why, and the other part doesn’t want to face a harsh truth. I just want the hurt to go away.
Hey Laura! Thank you so much for sharing! I’m sorry to hear that you have experienced pain through these experiences. There are no real reasons as to why these guys weren’t interested in you. And likewise, there are many possible factors as to why no one “considers you a possibility”. It sucks, I know. The best encouragement I can give you is to remind yourself that you are awesome, your life is great (and if you don’t agree, then start taking the steps to make it so) and sooner or later the guy who has always seen you as a possibility will make his move.
Thanks so much for the encouragement, Selina. It’s so easy to get discouraged and to engage in negative thinking. I’ve enjoyed your videos, and I’ve begun to implement some of your ideas. I’m in the process of relocating, so hopefully I’ll be able to start some more things as I get settled. God bless.